How Knowing God Transformed My Pain
I had a very difficult childhood, full of memories and experiences no child should ever endure. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse—this was my reality. I went without much, neglected, deprived of basic needs, and was abandoned emotionally by my father. My mother was an addict—constantly in and out of mental hospitals, while social workers hovered around and police officers came and went like they were part of the family.
My relationships with my siblings were broken as well. My older sister and I didn’t get along; she was focused on other things. I first met my older brother when I was eight. He had been kicked out of the house when I was born for practicing Satanism. God was confusing to me back then. On Sundays, we were forced to go to church, forced to smile, forced to pretend. At church, my parents treated me well, but at home, life was the complete opposite. The hypocrisy, the abuse, the trauma, all of it left me deeply confused about God. Did He love me? Was He even real?
Searching for God
Years passed, and I entered adulthood as a young wife and mother, still trying to make sense of the world, of God, of good and evil. I knew about Jesus on an intellectual and theological level. I had been saved a few years earlier, and my heart was beginning to hunger for the Lord more deeply.
At that time, a young woman at church urged me again and again to keep going back to the Scriptures. Before she impressed this on my heart, I was torn between the knowledge of God and the knowledge of the world. I didn’t see how precious God’s Word truly was. In fact, I think I had been glorifying the Scriptures in a Pharisaical way instead of glorifying the Savior. I had built a relationship with the text, but not with the Creator.
So I reluctantly took her advice, half thinking she was crazy. After all, I already loved the Bible, or so I thought. But the truth was, I didn’t love it enough. I was missing the entire point of a relationship with God Himself.
Healing and Transformation
Years before this, I had seen a Christian counselor and gone through a year of EMDR therapy. I was heavily dependent on supplements and appetite suppressants, chasing health and covering up deeper problems. I was deceived into thinking I could manage my sin and shame through therapy, fitness, diets, and knowledge about God, all while avoiding actually going to God Himself for healing.
But eventually, I obeyed that woman’s urging. I began to put aside the watered-down devotionals and self-help books, and I picked up the Bible. I sat with God’s Word. I met the real Jesus.
Around that time, I was tested deeply. In 2020–2021, sickness spread everywhere. Friends and family were dying. My mother passed away the day before Christmas Eve. The isolation of the COVID pandemic only made grief heavier. One crushing loss after another buried me beneath a weight I could no longer carry. No therapy, no supplement, no doctor, no knowledge was enough to free me from that pain. So, I finally cried out to the living God.
And, He answered.
Fast forward a few years, and I can say this: I am free. Free from trauma, free from paralyzing anxiety, free from the pain my counselor once told me I would always live with. Jesus took it all.
I no longer depend on pills, diets, or suppressants. I no longer chase healing through therapy. Jesus is enough. And, when I believed that, everything changed. My life was transformed. My family was transformed. Christ’s healing has touched every area of my life.
I still have days when sin and weakness try to steal my joy, but now I run to God’s Word quickly, willingly, knowing His power, not just knowing about it.
Encouragement
To anyone reading this who feels torn about Scripture being enough or living it out: you are not alone. Many wrestle the same way. I did. But hear me, don’t doubt any longer. Jesus is real. He’s not just an idea or ink on a page. He’s the living God, who is making all things new.
Theological concepts are helpful, but they cannot save you. Sound doctrine matters, but it cannot save you. Only Jesus can.
If you’ve believed the lie that head knowledge or theological snobbery is closeness to Christ, you’ve missed Him. That is a little more than prideful pietism. Don’t forget why Christ died for you. Don’t forget His mercy and His grace. Even now, He is here for you.
Romans 3:23 says, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” That includes the most brilliant theologian. Knowledge impressed people, but it didn’t impress God. Like that woman once pleaded with me, I plead with you: keep going back to the Scriptures. Believe them enough to live them out. And when you go to God’s Word, remember, you are going to God Himself. For there He speaks.
He is real. His Word is His voice. It isn’t just a remarkable story to apply to your life. It is a remarkable story you have been written into, one He desires for you to live abundantly right now, today.
“Those who have insight will shine like the bright expanse of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever” (Dan 12:3).
I pray you come to know Jesus more deeply, not just know about Him. His Word is enough to heal every wound you carry.
